Habit

"The power of habit is not in willpower, but in understanding the neurology of habit formation and leveraging it to your advantage. Habits are the foundational building blocks of our lives. They’re the rituals that we create that make up our days, and ultimately our lives."

James Clear Tweet

Reflect, Learn, ACT

I’ve taken the time over the past couple months to really reflect on myself as a person and improve my outlook on life and people as much as possible. I’ve learned all these different things about how to really go about seeing people in a new light, and understanding myself more from doing that. But I could not shake the feeling that some big pit in my life was still missing. There was this void that I couldn’t seem to fill. No matter how much I researched different viewpoints and life lessons, I was still feeling like absolute dogshit at the end of the day. As if all this time and energy spent working on myself was for nothing.

That’s when it started to click with me. I wasn’t actually DOING anything. Imagine that. Sure I can have this new sense of self, but I still had nothing to show for it. Even though my mind was feeling sharper in regards to my depression and anxiety (albeit with the help of antidepressants and therapy), my lifestyle was still the same. Adding this here because I thought it was hilarious – but this was literally me for the two months of my mental spiral before I started to really invest in myself and meet new people. Hell most of the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshal” is a little too accurate when it comes to exactly what happened to me this year. Replace the cringy piano song with this website and here’s what you get:

My friends reactions:

This all comes down to habits. Habits shape your life and control every single thing that you do. I looked around at my room and saw an absolute mess. Sure I can have all these ambitions, but I wasn’t put in the work to achieve them. Even though I cut out things in my life such as sleeping in, playing video games, and drinking at home – circumstantially I still wasn’t fulfilled. My life had no structure, and led me to where I am today because of the terrible habits that I have been subconsciously indulging in for years. That’s when I made a plan, and why this post took so long. I didn’t want to make a post about the benefit of creating habits if I had nothing to show for it. I figured if I can form new habits, and get rid of my old bad ones, how drastically can I change my life? In being able to create new and healthy habits, I will basically be putting my brain on autopilot to have more success in my life. But in order to start creating habits, you have to first ask yourself who you are.

Identity

The first step in creating good and healthy habits is by creating them around who you wish to be in the future. What is the end goal? Once you can figure all that out, you can design and program habits into yourself that are going to slowly get you to each of those characteristics and aspirations for your new identity. Along with creating new and productive habits, that also comes with actively removing bad ones that are going to stand in the way of that. The plan is to get the brain to do and act on these things autonomously. To have these habits embedded so deep, that you don’t even notice you are doing them anymore.

I want to be the best version of myself that I possibly can be and so what I value and aspire about myself in terms of personality include:

Mature
Honest
Kind
Intelligent
Social
Confident

Now in order to actually reinforce these personality traits and become all of these things, means I am going to have to constantly form habits in my interactions with others and myself that are going to reflect these values. For example:

In order to be more mature I am going to have to have clear ambitions and goals, and work on creating a proper adult life of discipline and drive.
In order to be more honest I am going to have to be comfortable telling others truths that they may not want to hear.
In order to be more kind I am going to have to act out of selflessness to those who I feel are in need of being picked up when they fall down.
In order to be more intelligent I am going to have to really submerge myself in my craft, and have the humility to be open to opposing viewpoints that challenge my own.
In order to be more socially apt I am going to have to step out of my comfort zone and make friendships that open lines of communication with others as much as I can.
In order to be more confident I am going to have to make sure that I do not let myself go in terms of my appearance, and to no longer fear judgment.

In terms of circumstantial identity I need to have a different set of things. These include:

Becoming a software engineer
Be in a healthy relationship and eventually start a family
Attain financial freedom
Be in peak physical shape
Have a network of like minded friends

This comes with its own list of habits that I am going to need to form in order to attain these circumstantial goals. These include:

In order to become a software engineer I am going to need to spend most of my time grinding computer programming to become proficient.
In order to be in a healthy relationship and start a family I need to make sure that I have the means to provide and be a leader.
In order to attain financial freedom I am going to need to have a deep understanding of budgeting, saving, and investing.
In order to be in peak physical shape I am going to need to be consistent in my exercise routine and diet.
In order to have a network of like minded friends I am going to have to go out when possible and interact with those who align with my own goals and values.

Every single person, especially if you are younger, should create a list like these. This is my roadmap for life. If I stick by this, and create habits that will give me small marginal progression towards both my core value goals, and my circumstantial goals, they will inevitably come to me with time and have a nearly 0% chance of failure.

Changing your identity is not about becoming someone else, it's about becoming the best version of yourself. This requires taking an honest look at who you are and who you want to be, and then creating a plan to bridge the gap between the two.

Tony Robbins Tweet

"We are all born with a unique genetic blueprint, which lays out the basic characteristics of our personality as well as our physical health and appearance... And yet, we all know that life experiences do change us"

Joan D. Vinge Tweet

Work

"Marginal improvement is the idea that small, incremental changes over time can lead to significant improvements in your life. It's about focusing on making small improvements each day, rather than trying to achieve massive changes all at once. Over time, these small improvements add up and can lead to huge gains in productivity, health, and happiness.

James Clear Tweet

A terrible habit that I had that stopped me from ever reaching my true potential came from quitting when things got too hard. When you start a new skill, job, or goal you are trying to attain – people including myself always have the habit to just stop when there is a roadblock. Roadblocks will always create this feeling of having your end result appear unattainable. I did that to myself a lot when it came to computer programming. The first day I started JavaScript I was 100% better than the day before since I haven’t gotten into it yet. Then the next day I would do more and see that I am 50% better than the day before as I began to dig deeper. Then as the weeks went on, those marginal percentages of improvements gradually decreased. All of a sudden, I am only getting 10% better every day. This is the exact moment where people quit things in life without understanding that this is the process for nearly anything you are trying to invest in. That’s where the illusion of a roadblock forms. Once you hit this wall of not feeling like you are really improving anymore but instead are just becoming frustrated with the process, is when it is so easy to tell yourself that you are not cut out for this.

This is a form of anxiety whether we consciously recognize it as so or not. Where there were once thoughts of, “I can’t wait to start getting into this!”, they slowly but surely turn into thoughts like, “this is overwhelming I can’t do this anymore”. It’s best to break everything down into digestible pieces. Maybe the thought of me rushing into getting into a coding bootcamp and starting a career is too much to really fathom right now and that’s fine. But it’s a lot easier for me to look at what’s in front of me and say, “let me try and wrap my head around recursive functions”. That right there is achievable. It’s the process of slowly learning and becoming ever so slightly better that is going to turn those feelings of anxiety into excitement.

This habit of mine absolutely destroyed me in a lot of ways. I now have the understanding that if every single day I can improve my knowledge and skill in a certain craft and career by a mere 1% every single day, in 100 days I will be twice as good. THAT’S life. Create a habit out of trying to squeeze yourself through the roughest parts of difficulties, trials, and tribulations, and eventually the result or goal will occur naturally. Even though my overarching goal is to be able to become accepted into an elite coding bootcamp to set myself up for success and get a good job, that is not what I focus on anymore. The goal will always be there and that in itself does not matter. It is the process that is infinitely more important. If I can get 1% better every single day at programming for the foreseeable future, success and achievement will naturally follow, and I will eventually become skilled enough to get in.

Environment

I think people often overlook how much their environment reflects their own self. When I was incredibly depressed and unmotivated I noticed my room would start to look like a warzone. Trash would be thrown everywhere. Clothes would litter the floor. The bed would never be made. Plates, cans, and bottles will be strewn around the room. Your environment will drag you down in the same way having bad influences around you will hold you back. Looking around my own room, it made my depression and sense of helplessness even worse as I began to indulge in my habits that lead to me destroying my own self and my own environment in the first place. I can scream to the mountaintops that I want to be more driven, disciplined, and structured as much as I want and as loud as I want. But if I can’t even control what’s around me, I can’t start to actually put those claims into practice.

It seems so simple and asinine, but cleaning my room really changed my life. Now when I say I cleaned my room, I don’t just mean that I threw garbage away and folded some laundry. I set my room up in a way that is going to completely optimize myself when it comes to forming healthy habits that will better myself. I took out all the distractions on my shelves that weren’t immediately practical and beneficial. I got rid of clothes that didn’t fit me anymore so I would stop making a habit of digging through useless shirts and pants that I knew I would never wear. I placed books that I learned many lessons from and put them in clear view so I would never lose sight of important teachings that I now embrace. Simple little things like keeping the trash can next to the spot where I empty my pockets, so I stop making a habit of leaving useless things in my drawers and desk. If everything can be spotless, clean, and structured, things that before were distracting that were causing clutter and mess now seem more glaringly apparent and out of place. I now wake up and when I stand I notice that everything in my room is neat and tidy, but my bed isn’t made, and it almost frustrates me seeing a bit of chaos in an otherwise perfect and organized setting. Therefore making my bed the first thing in the morning is a must, and I have noticed through this habit that I now do it automatically without even thinking about it. That is the beauty of being able to really reprogram your mindset, and the automation of it all that comes naturally with enough time and repetition.

Health And Fitness

Working out is not just about physical health, it's about mental health too. It's a way to relieve stress, boost your mood, and improve your overall well-being. And the best part? You don't have to be a fitness fanatic to enjoy the benefits. All it takes is a little bit of effort and consistency

Jillian Michaels Tweet

Gym progress from January 1st to March 20th:

"Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work."

Jack Nicklaus Tweet

In order for me to achieve a sense of confidence in myself, that requires me to start treating my body right. If I spend the rest of my days being an insecure alcoholic Dobby looking guy, naturally a sense of self loathing will follow. So in order to fix that I have been consistently going to the gym and eating healthy for the past 3 months. This follows the overarching purpose of creating habits. At first I had to really push myself to get out of bed every morning and go workout. I would get up every morning and just stare at my workout shoes for about an hour trying to muster up the courage to go and put in the work. Now that I have made it a habit, it is not even a question to me anymore – I just do it. But just going to the gym isn’t enough. When working out you also have to break bad habits while in the gym. Take for example how I used to go into it with a predetermined time constraint and rep count. I would tell myself, “I am going to go for exactly one hour and while I am there I am going to use this machine and do ___ amount of reps on this machine for ___ sets”. This seems all well and good, after all it is important that you keep track of exactly what you are going to do in order to optimize different muscle groups and performance. The problem comes when you follow your routine and don’t end up pushing yourself to your limit. I would notice myself stopping at exactly 10 reps for my set, even though I felt like I could do more. I’d leave the gym without breaking much of a sweat because of my bad habit of just doing the goal I set out for. I was seeing drastic improvements to my physique every week, but it wasn’t optimized because I would tap out when reaching my goal for the day. There’s always room for more marginal gains.

Again, this is why goals are nonsensical. The process is way more important. I realized this and I stopped looking at the clock. I don’t care how long I’ve actually been in the gym because the process of going as hard as I can doesn’t have any direct correlation with a predetermined time constraint. Instead of making sure that I do exactly 10 reps, I pick a good weight that challenges me, and I push or pull until absolute failure. I don’t count anymore, I just do. What happens when you say you are going to do exactly 10 reps is that once you hit that 9th rep, your brain will attribute the “last one” to be way harder than it actually is. When you stop counting, and just go for as long and as hard as your body lets you – like magic all of a sudden you can now do 13. The numbers don’t matter, it is all about making sure that you are always reaching your absolute limit in good form. I think about it like this, if you have somewhere you have to go that you have never been before, you get in your car and put on the GPS. The route says it is going to take 27 minutes to get there from where you are right now. After 27 minutes of driving there is still 5 minutes left. Do you curse and scream at the GPS? Do you turn the car around and give up? No, you just keep driving because it doesn’t really matter. As long as you keep going to your destination you will eventually reach it. Don’t focus on the destination, focus on the journey.

I’ve been doing a lot of hiking recently in order to get in some much needed cardio. Because of all of my bad habits, I have the stamina of a pig. In order to give that a much needed boost and balance, I have taken to climbing mountains… Literally. There were times where I would get to a really steep part of the trail and just be so winded and feeling like I am actually dying. What me and my hiking partner noticed was when we stopped thinking about just getting to the top, and just learned to pace ourselves in the moment, that it suddenly became a lot easier for me and her. That’s because your brain is no longer thinking about how long it is going to take, or how much harder you have to push to reach the end, but instead about controlling what you can currently do to mitigate your pain in the now. This process has taught me a lot about how to handle hard situations in everyday life, and to just take things one step at a time.

Working out is great but the hardest part about getting in shape is the diet. I’ve always been a pretty small guy, and part of that is due to my extremely fast metabolic rate. I am now around 150 pounds, and in order to get to my goal of hitting 180 pounds with 10% body fat, I have to be very strict about what I eat. This caused me to go extremely deep and into detail about nutrition and understanding exactly what I need to get this. I’ve had to look up the benefits of different carbs/fats/proteins and optimize my diet in a way that is going to give me the best result. Every day I need to have at the very least 2900 calories in high protein foods in order to compensate for my metabolism and workout regime. If I can eat like this every day, I will be on track to gain just over a pound every week. I used to have a really bad habit of just eating whatever I wanted, when I wanted. In order to start creating healthy eating habits, I have to program my brain to associate bad foods and undereating with loss of progress.

Now I am on a very strict diet of different variations of rice and beans or chicken and rice and I usually compliment that with a protein shake and some eggs. Let me tell you, it gets old QUICK, but I have to do it. When I want to chow down on some snacks, instead of falling into my usual habit of reaching for the chips or cheetos – I instead now grab some natural peanut butter or nut bars. The point of all this isn’t to just brag about my healthy decision making, but to make it clear that habits are something that need to be formed and removed in every single aspect of your life. The habits I am creating are going to inevitably get me to my goal. I can look at my goal and say that I can most likely achieve it in 8 or 9 months, but it doesn’t matter. The goal will come, but the process of creating these habits will do the work for me. Going to the gym taught me a lot about discipline, and understanding the value in delayed gratification. I don’t see the results of my hard work every day, but I do see them clearly every month.

The hardest part now about focusing on my health has been quitting nicotine. There are so many downsides to indulging in this horrible habit and literally zero positives. Smoking smells like shit and isn’t a “cool” look anymore. It destroys your lungs and sense of smell. Vaping is pretty much just as bad and makes your breath smell like dogshit. It’s just terrible and makes you look like a child. Men also get some very “unfortunate” side effects with nicotine in regards to how it affects your blood flow, which sucks really badly with “performance” if you catch my drift. The way I try to cope with making this process of quitting easier is by reminding myself every day how unattractive it is. It’s gross and should feel gross to do it. Even though I haven’t fully quit yet, I have significantly cut out my use of it. I consider it almost like a medication now when things get too stressful, and only reach for a hit when I feel I can no longer hold out anymore. I’ve been taking steps to make dental appointments in order to fix the damage that it has caused my teeth with straightening and whitening. It’s going to be completely useless if I go back to my old bad habit and ruin them again so I am using this time as kind of a hostage situation when it comes to making sure I don’t fuck things up again. With enough time, I am absolutely certain I will be able to cut it completely out of my life.

"Climbing mountains is not just a physical challenge, it's a mental and emotional one as well. It requires determination, focus, and a willingness to push through pain and discomfort. But the rewards are worth it - the breathtaking views, the sense of accomplishment, and the knowledge that you've pushed yourself beyond what you thought was possible."

Edmund Hillary Tweet

Dying To Live

« On December 23rd, 2022 at 8:51pm a big part of me died. Everything that I thought I knew about life was completely flipped upside down. I had something ripped away from me in a moment’s notice. It felt as if suddenly everything caught up to me. All of my bad habits, my naivety, and my mistakes suddenly out of left field picked me up and gave me a tombstone piledriver into concrete. I was broken, lost, angry, confused, and everything in between. My ego was shattered, and I began to spiral completely out of control. I started binge drinking to escape my reality so I wouldn’t have to confront my pain. I stopped eating for days on end. I couldn’t get a single minute of sleep. On December 30th at 4:30am I decided I was going to put an end to it. In a drunken stupor I sat at my desk and wrote some letters to people who played an important part of my life. I thanked my Mother for always being such a strong support for me. I thanked my Father for providing and being such a strong role model in my life. I thanked my Grandmother for showing me what true selflessness and kindness looks like. I thanked my sister for being so understanding, and always wanting what’s best for me. I thanked my friends for always having my back and being there for me when I needed them. I thanked another very special person for providing me with years of true bliss and laughter. I put all of them in an envelope by my desk and made them look all nice and pretty. I got up and put my shoes and jacket on. I put my keys in my pocket and waited until 30-45 minutes before the sunrise. I was going to go to the George Washington bridge and just see where that takes me from there. I was balling my eyes out and I sent some stupid texts in an attempt to self sabotage to reinforce my decision in what I was 100% convinced was going to be my last day. Luckily, I never did make it to that bridge. Something stopped me; to this day I am not really sure what it is that stopped me, but I didn’t go.

The night after I remembered it was New Years Eve. It was around 11:00 at night and I was out of cigarettes. I didn’t have any money but I had a scratch off ticket for $20. I drove to my local QuickCheck to make the trade. As I parked in the front I noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the store. Something about him made me very empathetic. Maybe it was because I was feeling like shit, and having to see someone going through something much worse made me put everything into perspective. I got out of my car and asked him if he needed any help. He jokingly said, “yea man can you fix my broken back?” I laughed and told him no but I can get him some stuff from inside. I went in, redeemed my ticket, bought myself my cigarettes and got him a gallon of water and some snacks and gave him what I had left in change. His eyes widened – almost like he was shocked that some rat kid like me actually acknowledged his existence. I told him I loved him, and that I cared about him. I asked his name and he told me it was Rich and he wished me a Happy New Year and that he hopes to see me again. Every time I go now, I look for Rich, but I never did see him again. But that night I learned the importance of small things you can do to really help people. After that day I made it a habit to go out of my way to treat those less fortunate than myself with respect and care. Rich taught me a valuable lesson that I will never forget, which is that we are all human beings who have made mistakes – and making mistakes doesn’t make you any less of a person than the next guy.

Again a few days later I was invited to go to a house party. I drove 45 minutes up this mountain and as I was pulling in the driveway I realized I didn’t bring any beer. I didn’t want to be “that guy”, so I turned around and went to the closest liquor store on the GPS. I pulled up and found out it was closed. The only one actually open at this time was some shithole shed looking place in the middle of nowhere. I walk in and it’s so quiet. There was a man sitting at the register watching. I grabbed a 30 case of budweiser and placed it on the counter. He pointed out my hoodie which had a big NASA logo on the front of it. He then started going on this long rant about how some kid from his home country India made these spectacular high resolution images of the moon. He kept telling me all of these stories about him and how he grew up. One story was how he somehow figured out where Bin Laden was before the U.S. government ever did but nobody believed him. It’s irrelevant but I thought that was funny. Anyway, as I was standing there listening, the only thing I could think about was how I was late to this party, and the beer on the counter was slowly getting warm. 30 minutes passed and he is still talking. I was getting to the point where I was just going to interrupt him and tell him I had to go, but I thought about it. This guy in this miserable broken down liquor store is lonely and just wants someone to talk to. So I stayed, and I asked him questions. I engaged to try and relieve him of his loneliness. He finally gets to his last story. It was about a kid in India who designed this walking stick. When the stick would tap something, it would play an audible message to the blind person about what is in front of them. So when it would hit a curb it would respond with, “curb”, etc. The kid brought his new invention to a bunch of medical companies and he wanted to sell it for only $1 over what it costs to make. I asked why only $1 and he said because the kid only wanted enough money to reinvest in it to make it even better. The kid wasn’t rich, he was living in a shitty apartment in a terrible part of the city. The stick ended up selling all over the world and he helped so many people through his selflessness regardless of his own suffering. By just taking the time to listen, I learned another valuable lesson in life – which is that you will be rewarded for helping others, and the personal growth that comes from being kind and understanding to the people in your life that seem otherwise invisible.

I was browsing Reddit and I saw this thread of this girl saying that she was going to kill herself because her long term boyfriend just suddenly left her out of the blue. I didn’t take it seriously until I looked at her profile and saw that she made around 10 posts in the last hour in the SuicideWatch subreddit expressing how she urgently needed someone to talk to. I’ve been there, and I could relate to the feeling of sudden abandonment, so I helped her in whatever ways I could. I told her to go be with her family, and a bunch of other things that I learned that has helped me through that similar experience. She thanked me and told me she just bought a plane ticket home. I checked her profile and noticed she completely stopped posting, which was unusual considering she was posted consistently every day before. I messaged her to check in and see how she was doing. Nothing – radio silence. A few weeks past and I kept thinking about her and if she actually went through with ending her life. With the sudden silence I figured she did end up losing her own battle with her heart and head. A few weeks later I get a message from her. She thanked me and told me that I saved her life.

I would stand outside a lot and just chain smoke cigarettes, looking up at the night sky and asking why is this happening to me. What possibly led me to where I was? I had a lot of time to reflect on where I went wrong, and the consequences of my actions that brought me here. If I got all the lessons and digested them, why was I still suffering? The problem was that I was still holding onto something, I wasn’t really letting go. I got the lessons but I still wanted my old life back, that part of me that died. I didn’t want to look at the future because the future was so clouded in so many possibilities that all seemed dark and pointless. It was easier for me to instead peer into my past and reminisce on all the good times and wish to be there instead. I prayed for an answer and it wasn’t until recently that I finally found it. Whether it was Rich at Quickcheck, or the man in the liquor store, or the woman on Reddit – I was growing from my suffering. It all had meaning. Had I not been through what I did, it’s possible that lady would have been needlessly dead. So who am I to not be grateful for the now? I learned to finally stop shedding tears for someone who couldn’t care less if I was alive or dead.

Life has so much more to offer than what I used to prioritize. Life isn’t about just looking for ways to have fun and to see the world. It’s about building something beautiful. Recognizing that hard work and pain is part of the journey, and that the destination is merely the end. The past is gone, but right now is what I can change. I was never a man who cared about money, or having a lot of material things, so I would always just blow it on experiences and others. But that only can take me so far. I want to be able to live in a neighborhood where I don’t feel like I have to lock the door at night. To have a quaint and cozy house that me and my wife will read books and play board games together in bed at night in. To stress about when my daughter gets to the age where she starts dating boys. To come home from work and stop at BestBuy to get my son that new video game that just came out. To wake up and put on my work suit and have breakfast with my family while reading the newspaper and talking about what’s been going on at school. To dress the kids up in embarrassing costumes on Halloween night and knock on some doors. To celebrate birthdays with fun parties and to light the fireplace on Christmas morning. Those are the moments in life that give a man meaning, and in order to do that I have to grieve the person I used to be. I’m going to miss waking up every morning and just looking for ways to have selfish fun. I’m going to miss the freedom of having no direction. I’m going to miss a lot of things. But time changes people, and we often attempt to cling onto what this time rips away. I’m saying goodbye to everything about myself that stopped me from becoming what I was born to be – which is a loving and loyal husband, and a strong father who is a leader and a provider to his children.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read these posts and give me so much good feedback and motivation. I am so very grateful for each and every single person that has been a part of my life. There have been people in my life who I have not even spoken to in years who have caught wind that I was going through a rough time, and have given me an undeserving amount of love, respect, and care. It’s been a much needed disentanglement of my own ego. To all of those I have wronged, I sincerely apologize, I will work to make things right. To all of those who have wronged me, I forgive you and I love you. And to whatever it was in the universe on December 30th that stopped me from getting in my car that horrible morning; whether it was God or something I don’t quite understand yet – I am forever thankful and I hope to one day put something back into the world to bring back that balance. I am going to be putting this website on pause indefinitely while I focus on building this dream of mine. It’s been a terrible, wonderful, and humbling ride. I love you all, and thanks again for the much needed help in this self reflective and positive negative experience. It’s finally about time that I become me. »